recap

Hello everyone!

Okay so fast forward 5 years into the future from the last time I posted...

I went to sixth form, started my first long term relationship, helped my partner through depression and self harm, got depression myself, ended the relationship (after 11 months), rediscovered myself, dyed my hair bright pink, partied a lot, got into another relationship, lost a couple of friends, bleached my hair blonde, felt happy for the first time in a long time. Fast forward again to the end of sixth form... relationship still strong, slightly distant from family, finished sixth form, started uni without my partner, cried... a lot. At this point I felt really alone and I hated that the world was moving on without me. I didn't get along well with my flatmates so I found it hard to make friends when my boyfriend was over 100 miles away and all I could think about was when I was next going to see him.

The only parts of first year that I enjoyed were the memories I created with my boyfriend. This was the year 2017-2018. I saw Marshmello play in Manchester before he got big and even captured a photo with him! The same year, I also got to go to Steel Yard, Liverpool to see Sigala, Steve Angello and Martin Garrix. We got the train back to Sheffield at like 6 in the morning!! I was knackered at the time but I remember feeling truly happy and I was passionately in love with the best boyfriend I had ever known. 2018 started and at this point I'd been with my boyfriend for a solid year. This is the year I experienced my first festival at Creamfields 2018. It rained a lot but it was amazing and I wouldn't have had it any other way. This was also the year I got "caked" by Steve Aoki in Newcastle at the O2 academy, he also took my phone for a selfie with the crowd then threw it back into the audience!! Almost had a mini heart attack but luckily I caught it haha.

Uni was starting to get a little better as I started to make friends on my course, I was close with these two girls that also had boyfriends. However, one of them commuted so I didn't get to see them as much. Nevertheless, things were looking up. By the time my 19th birthday came around, I had been to two more music events to see Don Diablo and Dillon Francis both in Manchester. Again, we caught the first early train back in to Sheffield for both of these!! Tiering but worth it!! For my 19th, my boyfriend took me to Leeds for the day and I got acrylic nails done for the first time (I went for a peachy pink colour). We also got lunch at Bella Italia where I ordered a chicken pasta dish and a cocktail! I only felt truly happy when I was around my boyfriend at this time in my life so I cherished every moment spent with him.

Second year at uni was a lot harder for me. I fell into depression a lot and I cried most nights alone. I was still with my partner but I had a lot of lonely nights throughout the week and I rarely left my room as I didn't have any proper close friends near by and I lived quite far from everyone else in the city. Again, I didn't get along with my flatmates so I found that leaving my room was really hard as they were always in the kitchen and I just wanted to be on my own and not feel awkward for not talking to them whenever I saw them. I think I was quite naive and anxious this year because I was alone but I never wanted to let anyone know I was down so whenever I saw people at uni I acted like this really bubbly and charismatic person that I wanted people to see me as. I had to put on a front every time I left the flat which was so hard for me and especially on days where I wasn't feeling myself at all. As I was feeling down a lot, the relationship between me and my partner got a lot harder as there was less for us to discuss due to my lack of activity and willingness to be productive.

I started the Cheer and Dance society in the hope that i'd make some new friends but because I had isolated myself from face to face communication throughout the week, when it came to training sessions on the Friday I found it really difficult to strike up conversations and come out of my shell to all of the girls there. I guess it didn't help that they were all stunning and "popular", which I found really intimidating as I've never been in that popular pretty girl category that most of these girls fell into. Even with the lack of involvement I had within the squad, I pushed myself to go to these training sessions and even participated in a showcase! However, this was the stopping point for me as I didn't do too well in the showcase and I just felt like I didn't really fit in.

After a lot of emotional nights in, near break ups and letting a lot of people down by saying no to social gatherings or nights out, I completed second year and moved out of my flat to go back home to continue the summer with my boyfriend. Things quickly got back to normal and I was a lot less sad when I was at home and had all my friends from school close by. I even got a job at the Racecourse as a waitress/bartender where my boyfriend also worked. I guess you could say I spent pretty much everyday with my partner that summer. With two holidays back to back in Cornwall with him and his family and then we flew to Croatia and Germany to attend some music festivals. After a long year of feeling depressed I was definitely still shaken up from this and the sadness still lurked in the back of my mind. It was especially hard because my boyfriend isn't the most compassionate person so when I'm relying on him to help me through dark times I feel like i'm completely on my own. I hated to bother him with my worries so I rarely brought them up. I think alcohol didn't help my case as it all came pouring out after a couple drinks and i'd turn into a living nightmare to be with. I'm surprised he stuck with me at this point, I must've been hell to be around.

Procrastination. A word in which I have been taking a little too literal lately.

Wow. This year has been crazy, seems to me as if it all flew by in a blur. But now I'm left confused... and scares me. See, the past few months I haven't really been up to much good. My relationship, gone. My thoughts, confused. My friends, distant. And me, I haven't a clue.

I've been trying to get ahold of my past self in order to reconnect with the happiness I once had. The life in which I succeeded the ability to have fun and I hadn't a care in the world. However currently, still not having a care in the world yet at the same time having too much cares, I find that I am pretty much stuck in some sorta alternate universe, light years away from human existence.

All I can do now is pray that one day soon I'll wake up with the past buried somewhere deep into the core of my crazy nightmare of a world and be able to move on feeling content with a long, happy life ahead of me. Thanking the universe for the future (to which I still have hopes for). 

*virtual hugs* xoxo

2016 starts here.

I'm so sick of waiting for things to come; not being able to enjoy times; falling apart and pushing away... 

Life should be filled with moments we enjoy.

Take advantage of the things we have and appreciate all that comes.

Even if it's all shit, we have the capability of pulling ourselves out of it, all it takes is one thing... strength.

We can't just sit around all day absorbing countless hours of effortless energy and expect something to happen. No. We have to get up, embrace all of what's around us and take control for ourselves. Failing first time doesn't mean we should just give up. Pick yourself from off the ground and try again until you succeed because success never comes without failure.

Life and Shit

Frog me it's been a fucking long year haha (pls excuse the language)...

Where do I even start?? The summer has clearly ended, probably one of the best summers of my life actually. And so much shit has happened, though right now I'm having trouble remembering.

Before I go further in on detail I should probably clarify that I suffer from anxiety and depression, I just managed to pull myself out of a kinda sorta mental breakdown. I'm at that confused stage where I really haven't a fucking clue what's going on and I feel like I'm a piece of dust on crack. It's insane to even try to explain haha. 

But I'll pull myself together and get through it.

Imma have to reallllly stretch my memory now to begin to express what has happened since my last update. So ya probably wondering wtf happened to that guy I liked from the prom post.. Well yeah, anyways he is out of the picture now (let's just say he turned out to be a fuck boii). And since that happened, I have met so many frigging amazing new people!! (so who gives a shit about that) All from which I met during my time at NCS (national citizen service), this being like a residential trip where kids my age (16 year olds) take 3 weeks out, doing outdoor  activities on week one, stay at a university week 2 and then week 3 we had to do a bake sale to raise money for a rescue boat service. 

From meeting all these amazing new people I have found that my confidence levels have raised over the bar (like I can actually speak to strangers now without wanting to throw up!! Well, I have my moments but so far I'd say I'm doing pretty okay and it's great:)

Other than this though, I still have the panicking issue and fall into depression more frequently since starting school again. I'm at sixth form now and a lot of my friends had to leave behind to head off to college :( that kinda disheartened me a lot and gave me that empty feeling again. It's never been the same really since last year when we used to all hang together.

Nevertheless, I am getting on fairly well with my social life right now though, I currently have a boyfriend (my first boyfriend actually) and I met him at NCS you see... I created this group chat for all the people on the course thingy and well, the only way I could really show my true self was when I was left alone with the magic of my phone and my imaginatively bazaar thoughts (thank you brain!). Everyone added there contact numbers to the group so I had a few people pop up to me on text, one of those very few people being the one I now call Plop (weird name I know, but I like the word), I replied to his greeting text by saying 'hey! It's an alien'. And from that one text, we hit it off pretty damn fine:) we're still talking now and he's even met the fam haha (pretty serious shit). But yah, I would say i'm a pretty lucky gal for being able to cherish such a beautifully kindhearted person <3

I'm just remembering our first date now too, we went to a restaurant/pub called 'the slug and lettuce' at my friend's recommendation (lol I know the name of it sounds kinda yuck but she assured me it would be great! ...later on finding out that she had never been there as the place she was thinking of had an entirely different name). I ordered a chicken korma; it came with plain rice and some naan bread. Food was nice, though because i'm a mother plopping awkward turtle, I wasn't able to get through one fork full without wanting to throw up!! My hands were shaking so much, and as much as I wanted to get to know him more, I just wanted more than anything to leave in that very moment. However, a few fork fulls later, I found out from him that he was feeling the exact same way as he openly admitted. We both awkwardly smiled at each other (well I laughed haha) but from then on, it was perfectly okay that none of us carried on eating anything. So as soon as that awkward phase was outta the way, it was time to turn to phase two; operation 'hit and run' *creeper face*. Nahh, i'm only kidding. He paid for the meal like a lil saint and we walked outta there, feeling sorry for the waitress whom brought us our lovely food, and headed off to the cinema where we went and saw 'The Maze Runner: Scorch Trials'. 'Twas a great movie, but I panicked parts of the way through so couldn't exactly pay full attention, so I will definitely be watching that again! 

Guess that's me all caught up, if I've missed anything out I'll include it in the next post. Other than a-levels being an absolute bitch I think that's pretty much everything covered so bye for now:) *virtual hugs* xox

Catching up, Prom and Drinking

Frog me it's been a long time. So much has happened and I feel as if I have so little to say...
Since the start of the year I have managed to make it through secondary school finally, yayy! Still waiting on my results though:/ but hey, on the brighter side of things; I went to prom, got drunk for the first time, experienced a raving party, made a couple new friends and may have even got myself a boyfriend? I don't want to jump that far ahead though, we've only just started talking, but so far it's going really well:)

I've missed writing on here, and for so long I have been wanting to sit myself down, somewhere quiet and stick my head down to document the life around me.

Right now, as I write, i'm typing in beat to the beautiful tone of Shawn Mendes, I have to admit, his new album is like a piece of art to me. Okay, awkward moment when the track changes to a raunchy Eminem song from the 90's XD ughh I just love summer so much!! The weather has been perfect lately, every morning i'll wake up to the sun shining in my face, the glistening feeling, warming me inside, making my thoughts happier. Though just yesterday and today random storms had to come in and ruin it for me, great yeah, thanks world!!

Hmm, so I guess I should write about prom then? you know, before it's too late and end up forgetting!
Not too much to say, so i'll keep it short an sweet:) 
First of all, the dress I had bought for the occasion about 6 or so months before prom, just had to get ruined the day before!! I had a sorta panic and my mum assured me I would be fine. On the day of prom, still no dress, I had to rush out to the same place I had purchased my previous dress from, baring in mind this place was like 2 hours away! Unfortunately they didn't have the exact same one in stock, but luckily, at last minute, I fell in love with a similar type and ended up buying a whole new outfit, bag, shoes and everything. I must admit I did prefer this one so much more.
After having done my hair (curled and pinned up at the back), shaved everywhere that needed to be done, applied my own makeup (nothing wrong with that) I had a little time to spare. I probably shouldn't have done this but I may have had a couple (maybe 3) ciders before I left. Yeah probably not the best idea, but I needed that little confidence boost and to be honest, I don't regret it at all because I had an awesome time:)
Prom was okay, nothing really worthy of a 'wow' or 'OH DEAR LORD THIS IS BEAUTIFUL', it was more like 'meh okay, now let me see my friends'. The music kinda sucked, the food portions were tiny and don't get me started on the size of the dance hall or lighting. My only business there was to avoid all this bull sh*t on 'prom queen' and 'cutest couple' awards, ugh, and too just have a fun time with my friends, have a laugh and dance with the cute guy I liked. And I did all that so I can't possibly complain. After I left though, my feet!! oh my gosh they hurt so bad! I wasn't even wearing the highest of heels, poor suckers who ended up taking off their shoes 5 minutes after arriving haha. All in all though, prom was good.


Now I suppose I could fill you in on this 'kick ass' party I attended. Yeah I was only there because the whole year got invited and no I am not popular. To be honest there is not a lot really to tell, only bits and pieces I can put together from what my friends told me. I should probably clarify that I did get a tinsy bit tipsy.. okay maybe I got a lot tipsy. But again, don't regret a thing! Though apparently I was some how the talk of the party, drunk a lot, I danced with a mop, cried because someone (practically a stranger) lost their ring on the dance floor, spilled a glass of water all over a guy, shoved a lolly pop into that same guys mouth, fell over in the bathroom cubicle and sat in between my friend and this guy she was making out with. Sounds like a pretty regular Katy Perry video to me. Hey I had a good time though XD


Thanks so much for reading *virtual hugs* byyye xox

2015 here we go..

So as it is in the New Year I thought it would be nice to start of with a kind of chilled out post, lets deal with all the drama later on haha.

Okay so the other night I decided to have a relaxing night in to myself, stress aside.

I started it all off by making sure my room was perfectly organised and to my liking. Usually my room is a complete pigs sty and not at all organised, but when it is I can then begin my day feeling all fresh and just more on top of things in general. 

Once I had all that out of the way and taken care of I prepared myself a hot bubble bath, with a blueberry scented bath bomb in which I received at Christmas.

After a relaxation hour and now feeling all rejuvenated, I whipped out some Clearasil and Exfoliating Daily Wash. I recommend both really well and have definitely been extremely pleased with the results as they have left my skin very clear and 10x smoother :) 

Also in the Boxing day sales my mum went out and bought be this 'Love My Skin' facial cleanser from Boots. I simply took my Clearasil face wash and applied that all over my face (avoiding the eyes) and used the brissel brush to power round my t-zone in circular motions. I then soaked my face with lukewarm water to remove any excess soap and took the spongy applicant to go over my face, then making it a lot more soft and smooth.

:) :) ..Happy Thoughts and *virtual hugs*

Lets Talk Youtubers.

From JC's feetus CoolCollabBro to Connor's creation of CollabAtSea, a channel which has changed me was born, Our2ndLife began on 8.13.12. Since then the collab channel has most definitely served it's purpose for me and thousands of others in this faithful fandom. Couldn't be more grateful for these 6 dweebs.
On 7.7.14 Connor Franta uploaded a video called 'a new chapter'. This was the last we saw of him from O2L...
Since Connor left, the channel hasn't been the same. Videos have been slaking, the view count decreasing and worst of all, everyone was genuinely lost without Connor. You could see it in the quality of everyone's videos, nobody was as happy anymore.

As of today 3.1.15 O2L has come to an end. *teary eyes*.
Throughout everything I feel as if this channel has been apart of me, now it's like there is something missing. I have been with this fandom for around 16months now, the best moments within this past year have been when I have came home from a long day of school and turned to my reliable computer to see what videos are up for me to smile about.

Connor Franta, Ricky Dillon, Sam Pottorff, JC Caylen, Trevor Moran and Kian Lawley. 6/6 forever... bye

P.S. i'm sorry this post sucked, i'm emotional right now and i'm really tired. Also you may or may not know who Our2ndLife is (a collab channel on youtube if you didn't already realize from the text above). Next post will be 1000x better I promise, though I did intentionally make this blog in order to express my feeling whether people support them or not? But to whoever is reading, remember that you are worth it and I love you okay? *virtual hugs* byyyyee