recap

Hello everyone!

Okay so fast forward 5 years into the future from the last time I posted...

I went to sixth form, started my first long term relationship, helped my partner through depression and self harm, got depression myself, ended the relationship (after 11 months), rediscovered myself, dyed my hair bright pink, partied a lot, got into another relationship, lost a couple of friends, bleached my hair blonde, felt happy for the first time in a long time. Fast forward again to the end of sixth form... relationship still strong, slightly distant from family, finished sixth form, started uni without my partner, cried... a lot. At this point I felt really alone and I hated that the world was moving on without me. I didn't get along well with my flatmates so I found it hard to make friends when my boyfriend was over 100 miles away and all I could think about was when I was next going to see him.

The only parts of first year that I enjoyed were the memories I created with my boyfriend. This was the year 2017-2018. I saw Marshmello play in Manchester before he got big and even captured a photo with him! The same year, I also got to go to Steel Yard, Liverpool to see Sigala, Steve Angello and Martin Garrix. We got the train back to Sheffield at like 6 in the morning!! I was knackered at the time but I remember feeling truly happy and I was passionately in love with the best boyfriend I had ever known. 2018 started and at this point I'd been with my boyfriend for a solid year. This is the year I experienced my first festival at Creamfields 2018. It rained a lot but it was amazing and I wouldn't have had it any other way. This was also the year I got "caked" by Steve Aoki in Newcastle at the O2 academy, he also took my phone for a selfie with the crowd then threw it back into the audience!! Almost had a mini heart attack but luckily I caught it haha.

Uni was starting to get a little better as I started to make friends on my course, I was close with these two girls that also had boyfriends. However, one of them commuted so I didn't get to see them as much. Nevertheless, things were looking up. By the time my 19th birthday came around, I had been to two more music events to see Don Diablo and Dillon Francis both in Manchester. Again, we caught the first early train back in to Sheffield for both of these!! Tiering but worth it!! For my 19th, my boyfriend took me to Leeds for the day and I got acrylic nails done for the first time (I went for a peachy pink colour). We also got lunch at Bella Italia where I ordered a chicken pasta dish and a cocktail! I only felt truly happy when I was around my boyfriend at this time in my life so I cherished every moment spent with him.

Second year at uni was a lot harder for me. I fell into depression a lot and I cried most nights alone. I was still with my partner but I had a lot of lonely nights throughout the week and I rarely left my room as I didn't have any proper close friends near by and I lived quite far from everyone else in the city. Again, I didn't get along with my flatmates so I found that leaving my room was really hard as they were always in the kitchen and I just wanted to be on my own and not feel awkward for not talking to them whenever I saw them. I think I was quite naive and anxious this year because I was alone but I never wanted to let anyone know I was down so whenever I saw people at uni I acted like this really bubbly and charismatic person that I wanted people to see me as. I had to put on a front every time I left the flat which was so hard for me and especially on days where I wasn't feeling myself at all. As I was feeling down a lot, the relationship between me and my partner got a lot harder as there was less for us to discuss due to my lack of activity and willingness to be productive.

I started the Cheer and Dance society in the hope that i'd make some new friends but because I had isolated myself from face to face communication throughout the week, when it came to training sessions on the Friday I found it really difficult to strike up conversations and come out of my shell to all of the girls there. I guess it didn't help that they were all stunning and "popular", which I found really intimidating as I've never been in that popular pretty girl category that most of these girls fell into. Even with the lack of involvement I had within the squad, I pushed myself to go to these training sessions and even participated in a showcase! However, this was the stopping point for me as I didn't do too well in the showcase and I just felt like I didn't really fit in.

After a lot of emotional nights in, near break ups and letting a lot of people down by saying no to social gatherings or nights out, I completed second year and moved out of my flat to go back home to continue the summer with my boyfriend. Things quickly got back to normal and I was a lot less sad when I was at home and had all my friends from school close by. I even got a job at the Racecourse as a waitress/bartender where my boyfriend also worked. I guess you could say I spent pretty much everyday with my partner that summer. With two holidays back to back in Cornwall with him and his family and then we flew to Croatia and Germany to attend some music festivals. After a long year of feeling depressed I was definitely still shaken up from this and the sadness still lurked in the back of my mind. It was especially hard because my boyfriend isn't the most compassionate person so when I'm relying on him to help me through dark times I feel like i'm completely on my own. I hated to bother him with my worries so I rarely brought them up. I think alcohol didn't help my case as it all came pouring out after a couple drinks and i'd turn into a living nightmare to be with. I'm surprised he stuck with me at this point, I must've been hell to be around.